


Technicalities Don’t Count in Feelings

by undertalefa



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, Identity Reveal, Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home, Unreliable Narrator, but its third person not first, but oh wait tony’s dead, cause it’s peter, endgame has still messed me up and ffh has not helped, so that’s not gonna happen sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-10 07:22:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20131546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undertalefa/pseuds/undertalefa
Summary: Peter Parker has been putting the ‘e’ in dad ever since he was born, and that really starts to get to a person.Or: Peter Parker deals with his massive guilt complex while juggling every other thing that’s happened to him recently. And spoiler alert: it’s a lot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey! first mcu fic that was totally supposed to be a one shot but i’m thinking i might make it an actual story if people like it
> 
> comments and kudos are very greatly appreciated! thank you :)
> 
> also! if you’re here from any of my other fics i will be making a post soon on my fic tumblr explaining everything that’s been going on, so in short i’m sorry and i’ll try and make it up
> 
> tumblr is here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/permanent-smile

“If you were good enough, then maybe Tony would still be alive.”

The voice towers over him, seeping into his mind. It’s strong and overpowers him, bringing up a blend of guilt and sorrow and grief- but mostly guilt because _ he _ did this. _ He _took away a loving husband, a caring father, a protector of the world, and a figure that so many looked up to. He let this happen.

Peter Parker wasn’t good enough, and because of that, Tony Stark is dead.

  


A scream is caught in his throat as he bolts upright in his bed, instead inhaling a deep and shaking breath. Peter’s chest rises and falls with quick, sharp motion, matching that of his breathing. His hand tightly grips the front of the shirt, with his fingers starting to dig into skin. The recollection of his dream- well nightmare, really, causes a bout of tears to well up, and he curses his vulnerability. How dare he cry when he’s the one… 

Well technically no, he _ knows _ it really isn’t his fault, but do technicalities count in feelings? Not really. He feels as though he could have done more. And now he has not only Ben’s death on his hands, but Tony’s as well. And probably his parents is some way too, because that’s just the way things go. Hey, make sure you don’t get too close to that Peter Parker kid, because he kills everyone around him!

Peter’s eyes shift around the room as he tries to calm himself down. Breathe, in and out, slowly, just calm down, damnit. Don’t think about Tony, don’t think about Ben and all the other people you failed, don’t do it, don’t think about him-

A terrifying thought comes to mind as his vision traces over E.D.I.T.H.’s container. What if this is still a part of Beck’s plan? What if he’s not done playing with Peter like he was a toy, puppeteered by Beck’s overbearing figure? 

Peter’s hands hastily race toward the container on his bedside table, nearly dropping it in the process. His shaking hands make it difficult to open the case and get the glasses out, but somehow he manages, almost slamming the frame onto his face once it’s in his grip.

“E.D.I.T.H.” Peter starts breathily, in an almost whisper, “Are there any illusions right now?” 

“No, Peter.” 

The robically uncanny voice of E.D.I.T.H. sends a sigh of relief through the boy, releasing a tension in his shoulders he didn’t know he had. A single tear lazily rolls from his eye and down his cheek, following the path of the previous stream from only a few moments prior. It’s not the first time he’s asked E.D.I.T.H. this question, and certainly won’t be the last if his mental state remains like this.

Ha. It’s almost laughable at times how screwed up he is, each day seemingly bringing an onslaught of new terrors to assault him. It’s unfair, he thinks, before immediately correcting himself. No, it’s completely fair that he suffers like this, because he’s here and alive right now, while so many people aren’t who deserve it more than he does. He doesn’t want to die, that’s certainly not something he would even consider, but if he could rewind time and take Tony’s place, well… 

No, no thinking about that, let’s try and keep a positive attitude! Hey, it’s okay that he’s lost both his parents, his uncle, and now his mentor <strike>who really acted like a father</strike>, that’s totally ok. And hey, it’s also completely and totally fine that he’s been deceived so strongly he can’t tell his ups from his downs, had his identity revealed to the world, and is also entrusted to keeping the earth itself safe. That’s all okay. It’s all good. Add on a heaping topping of guilt stemming from his plethora of mistakes, and he’s doing fantastic. You can tell by the way his hands are still shaking and that tears are still silently falling from his eyes.

“E.D.I.T.H.” Peter says again, basically begging for a distraction from his thoughts. “What time is it?” 

“3:46 a.m.”

Great. Add insomnia to the list because he knows he’s not getting back to sleep tonight.

“As per your instructions, I am to inform you that new information has entered the media regarding the reveal of your identity.”

Peter’s eyes squeeze shut as he braces himself for the news. Is it too hopeful to think something positive will come of this? Pepper has been working tirelessly to get the situation under wraps as best she can. 

“Y-yeah, what is it?”

“Approximately four hours ago, the Daily Bugle posted an online article reporting, quote, ’Spider-man’s Earlier Crimes. Did we Miss the Signs?’. Would you like a brief synopsis?”

Optimism is overrated anyway. 

“Sure.” The boy says, trying to mentally prepare himself for whatever shit show this article will be. He pushes his back against the wall and brings his legs to his chest, gripping his arms tightly around them. His knuckles turn white from the force. 

E.D.I.T.H. pulls up the article on the glasses’ HUD, while Peter stares blankly at the words, not reading them at all and focusing more on the wall in his room.

“Mainly the article hints at prior circumstances regarding yourself in a negative light, using a strong point of what they dub the ‘Ferry Incident’, where you reportedly caused a ferry to be cut clean in half-“ 

Peter can’t listen any longer, even though it’s only been a few moments, and cuts her off. “E.D.I.T.H., stop. Just… sorry, I mean, i’m good. That’s good. That’s, um, enough. Yeah.”

Peter hurriedly takes the glasses off almost as quick as he put them on, placing them back in their case. God, even looking at the glasses reminds him of Beck, and Peter’s stupid decision in handing them over. He really can’t stop messing up, can he? Even back when Tony was still alive, he was out there disobeying his wishes and almost killing innocent people, all because he wanted to prove himself or some stupid shit. He desperately wanted to be praised then, to be seen as more then some kid from Queens, to maybe even join the Avengers. If only his past self could see where he is now.

It’s like he reaches a tipping point with that article, with everything hitting him at once. Everyone either thinks he’s a mass murderer except a few people, and said people who don’t are instead counting on him to step into Tony’s shoes, despite what they may say. Peter knows he has to, because someone has to protect them. It’s just… it’s just too much. Too much weight has been put upon his shoulders, and this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

“I’m sorry…” He mumbles to himself, “I’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry, Mr. Stark.” His voice grows louder with each passing second as he addresses the man so obviously not there.

Peter’s still in his crunched up position on his bed, knees still hugged tightly to his chest, and his nails start digging into his arms. Tears once again flow freely from his face. “Everything just keeps h-happening and it’s too much and-“ He takes a shaky breath before practically shouting to himself, “I-i…i can’t do anything right! I’m so, so, _ so, _ sorry Mr. Stark!”

The kid eventually gives up on holding his head upright, curling in on himself as his whole body is wracked with sobs. No one is coming to comfort him. He doesn’t deserve it anyway. May’s far away from him so she stays safe, which is probably for the best anyway. Ben’s gone, dead, with his actual parents. And Mr. Stark- _ Tony- _ wouldn’t even comfort him if he were here (probably because he wouldn’t know _ how _) but he’s not here, Peter reminds himself. He’s not here, which is his fault. Everything is his fault.

“I d-don’t know what to do…” He says eventually, because he’s _ tired. _ He’s really, really, _ really, _ tired.

“I’m sorry, Tony…”

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow! thank you for all your support and kind words on the last chapter! not too much to say but thank you :) hope you enjoy!
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated!

Peter’s up and making breakfast already- a bowl of Cheerios- when Pepper comes in. Despite having just woken up, (which is evident from the sleep still present in her eyes) she looks immaculate as always. Strawberry blonde hair neatly combed, frizzy and curling slightly at the ends since she hasn’t had time to straighten it yet. Clothes still unwrinkled despite Peter knowing they’re what she slept in. Poised determinedly, ready to take on the day despite the clear fatigue. Pepper Potts is certainly a strong woman.

It’s definitely been strange living with her. Peter never would have thought he’d be here, pouring milk into a bowl of Cheerios- well not specifically the cereal thing but still. It’s weird waking up in a house where Tony lived. A place he lived in for almost _five years_, where he had a daughter and a family and _was still alive-_

“Good morning, Peter.” Pepper says softly, startling him out of his thoughts.

He manages a small “Good morning.” back, voice croaky from his sleepless night.

The conversation is still awkward, at least on Peter’s end, because this is the widow of Tony Stark, and he barely even knew Pepper when Tony was still alive. And now she has a daughter to take care of, and Peter’s, well. 

Burden would be the word to describe it. The whole mess with Beck has essentially left his life in shambles, and Pepper being the kind woman she is, has offered to help him out with the PR nightmare. It’s completely selfless of her, and to top it off, she’s even letting him stay in her house upstate. Which is just… unfairly nice, because Peter clearly doesn’t deserve this treatment in helping him solve his own problems.

It was deemed safer for him to be here, and if there wasn’t literally a mob of ignorant, misinformed people waiting for him in the city, he would have left already. May’s stuck in some other undisclosed location, where Happy brought her to hide out until this whole thing is sorted out. Which, honestly, concerns him a little because Happy and May are _staying together_, but he has bigger things to worry about right now.

Like how to not screw up cereal apparently. He only realizes he’s poured in way too much milk when it starts dripping over the edge of the bowl, causing his face to heat up in embarrassment in failing this menial task. He mutters, “Sorry, I'll clean it up.” to Pepper before quickly turning to grab some paper towels.

“Oh it’s okay, don’t worry about it.” She replies, “Morgan has spilled so many things on this counter it’s amazing we haven’t had to replace it yet.” Peter figures he shouldn’t point out that he’s almost 17 years old when Morgan’s five, and he should be more capable of handling simple things than a literal toddler.

He wipes up the spilled milk, trying hard not to get upset over the simple fact that he can’t do anything right, before reminding himself that there’s literally ‘no use crying over spilled milk’. Whatever. It’s fine. He just has to focus on something else, and fortunately for him, there’s actually someone in the room to distract him.

“Um, Mrs. Potts? I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am for you having me here, and how sorry I am for intruding-“

Pepper politely cuts him off. “Peter, this is like the seventh time you’ve told me this in the past two days.” He goes to apologize once again but Pepper continues, “And don’t even think about apologizing again. I’ve told you already, it’s not your fault in the slightest.” He doesn’t even know what she’s referring to but he finds himself not believing her words.

Pepper walks over and hands him a spoon she pulled from seemingly nowhere. “At this point, I think I know you well enough to say you’re similar to Tony in so many ways.” She swallows thickly at the mention of her late husband, taking a pause to compose herself before speaking again, “And he was very stubborn. Especially in his beliefs, which i’m sure you know.” Peter nods his head, “So take it as you will, but just know that I don’t think any of this mess is your fault. If anything it’s those people working at the Daily Bugle. God knows they’ve caused their fair share of bad press for Tony.”

“I know, I just…” Peter trails off, not really having something in mind to say. What, he just can’t understand why everything has to happen to him? Just can’t keep all these things from happening? Just what?

Instead, he digs the spoon Pepper handed to him into his cereal, taking a small bite. Doing this, he comes to the conclusion that he’s not actually hungry (well he probably is, he just can’t fathom eating right now) so he puts the bowl back down on the counter. Pepper gives him a look, but not much else.

“I’m gonna, uh, go get ready? For the day, I mean.” He says, waiting for Peppers small nod of approval. He then makes his way back upstairs and into the guest room, where he’s been staying.

None of Peter’s clothes were here already (because why would they be?), so Pepper thankfully was able to make an impromptu shopping trip to some nearby store. Ordering online can be tracked and might be suspicious, and even though it’s doubtful that someone would notice, everyone still wanted to be extremely cautious, especially when Peter’s identity first leaked. The town they’re nearby is relatively small, as they tend to be upstate, so it wasn’t much of a hassle thankfully. And there was absolutely no way he would- no he wouldn’t even think about wearing some of Tony’s clothes

Peter goes into the attached bathroom, giving himself a once-over in the mirror. And wow, does he look like shit. Not that it’s surprising at this point, but still.

Deep circles outline his eyes, marking clear as say his lack of sleep. Hair is mussed and greasy, because damn, he really needs to shower. He might even be imagining it, but his face seems more taut and sallow due to his...well, his apparent inability to keep his body properly nourished while under stress. Everything about his appearance points to a lack of self care, which is honestly accurate at this point.

Oh well. Not like he’s trying to fix his bad habits at this point anyway. The boy grabs a toothbrush and then washes his face when he’s done cleaning his teeth. He gives a very fake smile in the mirror that fools not even himself. He has to work on that, apparently. The amount of very forced smiles he’s given has drastically increased ever since- well, yeah. Obviously.

Peter brushes his hair, even though the comb won’t be able to tackle the frizzy mess, at least hoping to make it seem a little tamed. He shifts his eyes downwards as he exits the room, carefully avoiding the mirror. It’s not like anyone who might see him today hasn’t seen him look worse (especially Pepper), except for maybe Morgan. 

Morgan. The whole thought of her weirds Peter out in not-great but also not-bad kind of way. Just...weird. Like, Tony Stark, the guy who literally seemed so dead set on not having children due to his own father, now has a little girl who he clearly adored and loved. Also, add on to that the fact that Peter just kind of had the idea of Morgan come out of nowhere, because apparently life still moves on when you die for five years, so. It’s weird. But he can’t help but feel horrible (and guilty, so, so guilty because he’s at fault-) that Morgan had to lose her father while so young. Which, yeah, Peter also lost his dad _and_ mom around the same age, so he can sympathize in a way. But he has a distinct lack of memories surrounding his parents, so he’s torn between wishing Morgan forgets all about Tony so she doesn’t have to deal with the pain, or hoping she remembers him so the legacy of Tony Stark lives within his daughter, even just a little bit.

Peter’s had little conversation with the youngest Stark so far, too distressed and holed up in his own mind to really get to know her. Which he finds himself actually wanting to do. Because she seems like a really great kid. And speak of the devil- and because life loves having people barge in on him while undressed- Morgan runs in through the unlocked bedroom door to the sight of a shirtless Peter.

“Ew.” She says half jokingly, and whether she’s talking about Peter’s bare chest or his general appearance is unknown, but she giggles and that just about warm’s the young boy’s heart. “I’m gonna get breakfast.”

“That sounds like a good plan.” Peter replies, and in an attempt to be more social than he has been recently, he continues, “Want me to meet you downstairs?”

“Mhm.” Is the short reply, accompanied by an eager nod. 

Peter feels his lips split into a small, real smile, as he pulls a shirt over his head and listens to the sound of Morgan’s steps patter down the hall.

**Author's Note:**

> :(


End file.
